Let’s tell the truth. Let’s be candid here. Level with me. The only thing we like about so-called Mom jeans is the way they make our crotches look. It’s that 1990s supermodel with the high leg line and crotch for days that we love about the new denim. It makes that perfect v-shape look even more perfect and proportionate no matter what size you take in J Brand jeans. They are Mom jeans because they are vagina pants.
Ok, it’s Friday and I’m taking massive liberties here. But right now when I pull a denim on denim outfit I’m going to damn right make sure that my front crotch is visible and that my jeans flatter the vajajay. I see it as a two-part harmony. The first part of a good mom jean is the high waist. The second part is how the jeans hug into the place on both legs where they meet the pelvis (our groin area), forming that v-shape. If the ratio of waistline to v-shape is equidistant (you can use the Pythagorean theorem to calculate this – see, it did finally come in handy), then you’ve got a winner.
The pair I’m wearing are from H&M – they were affordable and boast a v-shape ratio quite unlike any other pair I own. The key is to tuck whatever top you’re wearing. I’ve tucked everything from a cotton t-shirt to a wool pullover in these babies.
Let’s talk about my bag a bit, too. My little Louis Vuitton accessories bag. Have I ever told you guys the story about how I procured this bag at 14 years old? You see, my fashion obsession and lifetime ambition of being a bitch started at a young age. My friend E introduced me to the world of Louis Vuitton in grade 9 Biology class. She said omg we have to buy the accessories bag – you have to put your name on a waiting list, I’m on the list already! The bag cost $225 at the time (I had saved up so much money working night shifts and weekends at my uncle’s pharmacy) so I was ready to spend. Looking back, I thought $225 was such a HUGE amount of money to spend on a bag. Imagine.
So, I put my name on the waiting list for the Louis Vuitton accessories bag. My friend got called a month later that her bag was in. I was still on the waiting list. We overheard another girl in the cafeteria at lunch (omg this is so bad lol) say she also put herself on the list and got called that morning that her bag was also in store. She was one of those popular girls in high school with big boobs, a boyfriend and her life seemingly all figured out.
K you can kinda figure out what I did or use your imagination like an episode of Criminal Minds. No, I didn’t murder her for her bag. BUT I did memorize her phone number and address and pretended to be her and bought her bag before she could go pick it up. Omg for shame. I was such a bitch – who does that?
The worst part. Me and my friend show up the next night at parent teacher interviews clad in our matching Vuitton purses, wind blowing in our hair, while the other girl was just like omg, they said my bag was already picked up, omg wtf. I don’t know if she ever put two and two together (she wasn’t that smart to begin with) but it was a small win for the loser, cross-eyed geek with scrawny legs and a 97% average.
I don’t know why I still hold onto this bag – the zipper broke off years ago when I let my sister borrow it for an extended period of time. It barely holds anything and the patina developed over the years is sinful. Shit, this bag is like over 15 years old. Maybe I hold onto it to remind me of that time I was a wicked little minx. Maybe it symbolizes a small victory in the all-girls high school polemic. Or maybe I just keep it because it was my first designer purchase. Who knows!
What happened to the girl whose bag I bought? Well, her parents bought her another one a few months later so she survived. I think she’s married somewhere with kids now? I see her from time to time. She’s nice. It’s all good.
I really hope she doesn’t read my blog, though.
Have you ever done anything kinda morally wrong to kinda have a little mini-win over someone who seems to be more successful or more beautiful or thinner or whatever than you? Leave me a comment below and let’s confess our sins to each other!
Shop my look here:
H&M Cutoff Jeans // Denim Shirt // Louis Vuitton accessories bag // Madewell Indio sunglasses // Diamond stud earrings // NARS jungle red lipstick // Black ankle boots
Or for more denim inspiration:
This post was sponsored by catty high school girls everywhere.