Let’s tell the truth. Let’s be candid here. Level with me. The only thing we like about so-called Mom jeans is the way they make our crotches look. It’s that 1990s supermodel with the high leg line and crotch for days that we love about the new denim. It makes that perfect v-shape look even more perfect and proportionate no matter what size you take in J Brand jeans. They are Mom jeans because they are vagina pants.
Ok, it’s Friday and I’m taking massive liberties here. But right now when I pull a denim on denim outfit I’m going to damn right make sure that my front crotch is visible and that my jeans flatter the vajajay. I see it as a two-part harmony. The first part of a good mom jean is the high waist. The second part is how the jeans hug into the place on both legs where they meet the pelvis (our groin area), forming that v-shape. If the ratio of waistline to v-shape is equidistant (you can use the Pythagorean theorem to calculate this – see, it did finally come in handy), then you’ve got a winner.
The pair I’m wearing are from H&M – they were affordable and boast a v-shape ratio quite unlike any other pair I own. The key is to tuck whatever top you’re wearing. I’ve tucked everything from a cotton t-shirt to a wool pullover in these babies.
Let’s talk about my bag a bit, too. My little Louis Vuitton accessories bag. Have I ever told you guys the story about how I procured this bag at 14 years old? You see, my fashion obsession and lifetime ambition of being a bitch started at a young age. My friend E introduced me to the world of Louis Vuitton in grade 9 Biology class. She said omg we have to buy the accessories bag – you have to put your name on a waiting list, I’m on the list already! The bag cost $225 at the time (I had saved up so much money working night shifts and weekends at my uncle’s pharmacy) so I was ready to spend. Looking back, I thought $225 was such a HUGE amount of money to spend on a bag. Imagine.
So, I put my name on the waiting list for the Louis Vuitton accessories bag. My friend got called a month later that her bag was in. I was still on the waiting list. We overheard another girl in the cafeteria at lunch (omg this is so bad lol) say she also put herself on the list and got called that morning that her bag was also in store. She was one of those popular girls in high school with big boobs, a boyfriend and her life seemingly all figured out.
K you can kinda figure out what I did or use your imagination like an episode of Criminal Minds. No, I didn’t murder her for her bag. BUT I did memorize her phone number and address and pretended to be her and bought her bag before she could go pick it up. Omg for shame. I was such a bitch – who does that?
The worst part. Me and my friend show up the next night at parent teacher interviews clad in our matching Vuitton purses, wind blowing in our hair, while the other girl was just like omg, they said my bag was already picked up, omg wtf. I don’t know if she ever put two and two together (she wasn’t that smart to begin with) but it was a small win for the loser, cross-eyed geek with scrawny legs and a 97% average.
I don’t know why I still hold onto this bag – the zipper broke off years ago when I let my sister borrow it for an extended period of time. It barely holds anything and the patina developed over the years is sinful. Shit, this bag is like over 15 years old. Maybe I hold onto it to remind me of that time I was a wicked little minx. Maybe it symbolizes a small victory in the all-girls high school polemic. Or maybe I just keep it because it was my first designer purchase. Who knows!
What happened to the girl whose bag I bought? Well, her parents bought her another one a few months later so she survived. I think she’s married somewhere with kids now? I see her from time to time. She’s nice. It’s all good.
I really hope she doesn’t read my blog, though.
Have you ever done anything kinda morally wrong to kinda have a little mini-win over someone who seems to be more successful or more beautiful or thinner or whatever than you? Leave me a comment below and let’s confess our sins to each other!
xoxo
J
Shop my look here:
H&M Cutoff Jeans // Denim Shirt // Louis Vuitton accessories bag // Madewell Indio sunglasses // Diamond stud earrings // NARS jungle red lipstick // Black ankle boots
Or for more denim inspiration:
This post was sponsored by catty high school girls everywhere.
HAHAHAHA great post!! The LV story is out!
I usually hate blogs but you are quite funny. I enjoyed this one.
Man you were a feisty young girl.
You gotta do what you gotta do. LOL. Actually I would never do that now but you know, live and learn.
Hope all is well on St. Clair!
xoxo J
You are so bad but so good and so busted when that girl reads your blog post! Ha ha, good on you for being so resourceful at such a tender age! Luv it. I have a girlfriend who reserves a seat at any restaurant she goes to for her Louis Vuitton bag and Louis get a separate seat on the subway too!
As for jeans, I am just about six feet and all legs and I find it soooooo trying to find jeans …. seriously need a bottle of very fine Merlot after any shopping and I so dislike that all-blue-jean store in Yorkville – rainbow or something or other – ugh.
Keep on rockin’
Ya like I said, I’m hoping she doesn’t read my blog LOL. You’re friend sounds crazy (in a good way). Reserve a seat for Louis! That’s amazing. Now, if she starts ordering a meal for her bag, you might want to intervene.
6 feet tall with long legs? That sounds like every girl’s dream. We all want what we can’t have, though, and doesn’t mean the grass is greener! What are some denim brands you love?
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your comments
xoxo J
I greatly enjoyed this post, you little devil, you. A few things…
Love the vajayjay jeans. Heading to H&M to buy a pair after work. Thanks for helping me go broke. LOL!
In my early twenties, my friend and I planned a trip to NYC. It was here where I was going to buy my first designer bag. A Louis Vuitton Musette Tango that cost $460 at the time. I worked two jobs for 6 months – one as a public servant, the other at fucking Laura. It sucked. I was a total scrawn, and the curvy ladies would outright berate me for working there. Saved $4000 over six months and blew it in 3 days in NYC. Ahhh…to be young again. That bag was 15 years old when some asshole broke into our house and stole it. I never used it, patina was the same as yours, it was kinda ugly, but I loved it. Sigh.
Terrible thing I did as a teen? I was in love with the cute blond guy who sat next to me in social studies class. We all went to Wonderland where we were going to meet up with this chick he was in love with. I hated her for that sole reason. While walking along with him, I spotted her out of the corner of my eye. I hustled him in the other direction without telling him she was in fact there. We made out later. We’ve now been married for 12 years. YAY ME.
YESSSS! You’re comment is giving me life right now on this Monday morning.
Helping you go broke? LOL girl, looks like you’re doing that just fine all on your own :p (i’m joking)
I love the LV splurge story (not the part about it being stolen, that sucks) but I can totally relate to the feeling of just working shit jobs to save up for something so incredibly beautiful because really, what else were we saving for? I wouldn’t have it any other way. Sure, sometimes I think I might’ve been better off putting my money in a savings account all those years but is that really LIVING? It’s so boring. I might not even have lived this long. I might die tomorrow without ever getting the thrill of owning a Chanel bag.
You know you didn’t do SUCH a terrible thing as a teen – you were going after your true love. He just didn’t know it, yet. All is fair in love and war, and in handbags.
xoxo J
Love this look!
This the combo.
|| D I A N A ||
http://www.TheNeonFactor.com
hahaha! Omg. You’re too much. All is fair in love & fashion. Thank god you weren’t given purse karma for the rest of your life, doomed to walk the streets with bags that always rip open.
Also, yasss for the crotch/groin comment. I love high rise, and it’s totally because of how they make my front look. I thought I was weird for thinking that, but I guess not :)
I’m a big fan of the Citizen Rocket, and I have some white AG ones I got for $25 (consignment store steal) that are super comfy and extra crotchular too.
-Jocellyn
Right? I’m like k if I’m thinking this, other people must be thinking that, too!
Definitely on the hunt for a non-kick-flare pair of mom jeans for the winter months….
xoxo J