Life After Butt Implants

karen koh illustration

I know what you’re all wondering. Oh no she di-in’t. You’re absolutely right. I didn’t. But I would. Oh damn, I would. You see, in my twisted imagination of what life would be like if I did all those ridiculous things that I’m too scared or too middle class to do, I feel like life after butt implants would be fucking amazing.

I began to think of the prospect recently, when faced with my own saggy reflection of a backside once worthy of a double-take. Now, it’s barely worthy of a double-tap. One of my followers went as far as to DM me, in Italian: “Carina. Peccato per il culo basso,” which loosely translates to: “You’re cute. Too bad you have a flat ass.”

And I digress.

Truth is, he hit the nail on the head. My ass, lately, is looking like a deflated Macy’s parade balloon, stored away in some vat inside Pier 35 along the Hudson River, off-duty. And just when big asses are coming back in style mine had to go jiggle its way to my ankles. I practically have to hold it up with both hands when I walk into a room so it doesn’t smack the floor like a third foot in my stiletto click-click rhythm.

“Oh sorry, they didn’t have Manolo’s that come with a sidecar for my saggy butt cheeks.”

I’m tots exaggerating, obvi. But it’s a serious thing, guys. For the first time in my entire life I’ve actually pondered what life would be like after butt implants. Sure, I’d probably have to get all new jeans to go with my new side profile. But I don’t want anything too crazy, just a chicken cutlet on each side, that’s all. Just a little oomph.

Unfortunately I probably can’t afford the surgery and I’m terrified about the prospect of being a future guest on Botched when my Tijuana gluteoplasty goes awry – so, I’ve decided to squat it out. That’s plan A. I’ve started squatting at any opportunity. In the morning when I wake up, while I’m waiting for the pasta to cook, sky shits – I’m even squatting right now as I write this post.

If squats and deadlifts (that’s when you squat with a corpse on your back, in case you didn’t know), if those don’t work, then I promise you, I will seriously consider surgical intervention at a later date. But for now, Tash Oakley, I’m coming for you, bitch.

xoxo

J

 

Illustration by Karen Koh of www.theillustrienne.com – she’s wearing a two-piece by Chromat.

12 Comments

  1. June 27, 2016 / 1:35 pm

    I feel you girl, I recently wrote a real similar post about getting surgery, my issue area are my upper arms, sagging all the way to my ankles for some reason, totally disproportionate to the rest of my body :/ ugh. Also too middle class & too scared to go ahead with the surgery option, so I’m killin’ bicep curls and other weird things. Ugh. TOTALLY get you! If you wanna check out my rant on a sagging body part, I’m throwin’ it in below.

    Love,
    Viv x http://stylecite.com/ps

  2. June 28, 2016 / 6:24 am

    Love this post. Your humour and personality are shinning through. Keep it up x

  3. June 28, 2016 / 8:23 am

    We’re not 75 yet that a consistent workout can’t fix most of our problems!

  4. Laura
    June 28, 2016 / 3:54 pm

    Look into Spanx Red Hot Assets. Kylie Jenner wears them and they are a total game changer. They sell them at the Bay- check them out ;)

    • Justine Iaboni
      July 4, 2016 / 9:07 am

      WAAAAAT That’s amazing! LOL Kylie knows the way.

    • Justine Iaboni
      July 4, 2016 / 9:03 am

      Yaaaasssss! lol Thanks boo!

  5. July 18, 2016 / 7:09 am

    I love your honesty Justine and in the name of transparency I will admit that I’ve had a breast augmentation when I was 21 years old. I’m turning 40 this September and I haven’t regretted my decision for a second since I had the operation two decades ago. I’m not a big cheerleader of plastic surgery but I do believe that if something is making you feel really self conscious and you have the money (and maturity) to improve on your features, then go for it.

    It isn’t a decision to be taken lightly and I was in a lot of pain for a good week but for me, it was the right decision because I had always felt like my boob size didn’t fit my body size. I have wide shoulders so my petite chest just seemed out of balance. Sure, I could have led a very happy life without bigger boobs but you know what, I’ve really enjoyed my girls and so does my man.

    As for my buns, well like you Justine, they are small but gravity is doing her work and I fat them somewhat flat. I don’t think I would get butt implants because of the cost, the pain and well, I can live with a mushy tush but that said, I’ve started focusing on that area A LOT during my workouts. Squats are my new best friend and I even do little squeezing exercises during lost time like when I brush my teeth. Hope that isn’t TMI! Thanks for being you Justine and addressing somewhat taboo subjects. We all think of these things at some period or another so we might as well discuss openly and consider all our options. Wishing everyone here a great day! Geneviève xoxo

    • Justine Iaboni
      July 21, 2016 / 7:42 am

      Hey Geneviève!

      Firstly, thanks so much for embracing the spirit of being honest about your experience with plastic surgery! I always thought if I got something done, I wouldn’t hide it or lie about it. It’s seems so dishonest, you know? If I get my nose done for example, I’m not going to lie about it. But, that’s just me. I’m an open book.

      Good for you for going through with it! That must’ve been so so scary.

      Ya, the squats are where it’s at for the butt. I try to do a few before I walk into the shower LOL. Mostly because that’s when I see myself naked and go OMG, I must do my squats more often. And then squat, naked, in my bathroom, for 5 minutes.

      LOL I don’t think we’re alone in the clandestine butt exercises.

      XO J

  6. August 3, 2016 / 3:52 am

    Start doing yoga, it will keep you healthy & you can maintain your body posture

  7. September 26, 2016 / 12:32 pm

    You seriously made me LOL! I totally feel your pain since I have a pretty sad ass myself. However, I believe this “trend” will die down soon. That’s what I always try to remember; and, as humans, we were meant to be exactly as we are now. We can be part of the pancake ass club, together! No shame :)

    thelean-collective.com

    • Justine Iaboni
      October 2, 2016 / 11:01 am

      Yaaaas! Pancake ass club 4 LYFE. Thanks so much for your comment – it made my day! xoxo J

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