First off, Happy Birthday, Champagne Papi! What a glorious day it is to be alive when Drake’s celebrating his 30th birthday. The good news? I’m only one year older than him. The bad news? I haven’t even accomplished half of what he’s done in his lifetime. Womp womp.
What I can do is give some thirty-something advice to Drake now that he’s entering his third trimester as an adult.
NB: I had originally planned this illustration as a blog post about how to write a love letter. I think giving life advice to Drake is sort of in and of itself, a love letter, indeed. Of the highest power, actually. Read on…
As I get older, I am definitely wiser (bitchier, as some might say). Actually, yes, I am bitchier. I know what I want and I know how I’m going to get it. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. But with age comes the honing of all your bad habits – and I can definitely attest to that. And no, being a bitch is not classified as a bad habit.
It’s a GREAT habit. I would definitely advise Drake to be more bitchy now that he’s the big 3-0.
Here’s some more advice I’d give to Drake on his birthday, which ranges, in order of raunchiness, from kinda embarrassing to I should quit blogging (and take this show on the road, amiright?). I blame all the 2 Dope Queens podcasts I’ve been jamming to for the level of vulgarity in this post. And just like, the way Drake makes me feel in general.
- Always wear a bra. Like how I should have done with this outfit I posted on Instagram today. I should have worn a bra – gravity becomes even more of a bitch as the years go by, too.
- Stop chilling on tall structures. I mean, I might not speak for everyone but the older I get, I feel a stronger sense of my mortality. So, yeah, Aubrey, no more CN Tower stooping for you.
- Lock down Rihanna. Period.
- Stop having beef, for dinner. But please continue beefing with Meek Mill. Providing endless entertainment.
- Lock down Kanye. Can we have a collabo already?
- You should probably father a child. You know, now that you’re thirty,
myyour biological clock is ticking.
- Stop looking so confused when you’re court side at the Raptor’s game like you don’t know the cameras are on you. Own your backseat coaching! You turned the city into a 9 now. Also, can you please explain why every time the Raptor mascot is on the court, you disappear; and vice versa. We need explanations, Drake.
- You should probably comment on this post like you commented on one of my very first “Whatever Eurotrash” posts. *wink wink* we knew it was you all along.
- Pick a better month to have a birthday, there’s too much conflict with Halloween. Like, I can’t go as slutty Drake fan every single year, k?
- Let me sit on your
facein your car for five minutes next time I see you in Yorkville. (Note to self: I should delete this point).
- Always take your own advice.
Illustration by Karen Koh of www.theillustrienne.com