I became a guru overnight, said no one ever. But you can become an overnight guru. Let me explain. This weekend, for the first time since I can remember, I put my phone on Airplane Mode for 2 days straight. I went to the spa, read books, meditated, did yoga, wrote in my journal and spent my entire weekend nurturing the most important relationship in my life. My relationship with myself.
I started this year feeling utterly depleted. Last year really was like a sucker punch. Grasping for air, I made it through but in the process, I lost sight of what was truly important. Love. I became angry. I had bouts of positivity, only to be bookended by longwinded negative episodes. I got into verbal fights with people. I felt this boiling pit in my stomach and throat. In a mediation class over the holidays, we were instructed to put our thumb and ring finger together for healing the heart. I almost cried from the pain this small, insignificant move, sent shooting through my entire body.
Fear was her name, I just didn’t know it yet.
I thought I was dying. I managed to convince myself that I had invited disease into my body. I panicked. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t breathe. I scoured the Internet with every disease query I could think of (Google literally told me: Justine, you are dying). I went to doctors all over the city looking for answers. I even manifested physical symptoms. When all the tests came back negative, I knew it was something more than physical. Again, Fear was her name.
I mean, I started this year by telling all of you that I was going to love myself, find inner peace, namaste, yada yada yada. But in reality, I did no such thing. I was just angry. Angry with my family and my boyfriend and his family, for taking up my precious holiday time, only to come back feeling even more tired. I was angry at my job. Angry that I chose a career path that gives me no break whatsoever. Angry at all the time and energy needed to keep this blog afloat. Angry at myself for starting yet another IG account that now I have no time or energy to maintain. Like, I sound like such a fucking drag. I was. Believe me.
My boyfriend, who has been at his wits’ end with me for months, begged me to take a break. “How can I take a break,” I would reply. “I’ve got bills to pay, people to employ, contracts to fulfil. I can’t take a fucking break. I will go bankrupt.”
In my mind, I had missed my chance to take a break. And now I was left to rot in the ruin. Thank you very much, world.
Well, it really is no wonder that last week I had a breakdown. Meltdown extraordinaire. The kinds I used to have when my parents were going through their separation and I was just so so so angry. Anyway, last week, a few minor triggers culminated into my demise. I screamed at the top of my lungs. Tears streamed down my face. My whole body shook with the vibration of my despair. I could have ploughed through a wall if I tried. And then nothing. I was empty. The last of my rage left my body.
Two pivotal things happened:
- The day before the breakdown, I ignored a breakfast invitation to meet Gabrielle Bernstein. Full disclosure, I had no idea who she was. I was too busy, I told myself, to attend yet another breakfast for yet another brand that isn’t ever going to hire me. (Wow, just typing that gives me chills, I can’t believe I allowed myself to think those things). But little did I know, the Universe was set on putting Gabrielle Bernstein in front of me.
- The night after the breakdown, I had dinner with one of my closest girlfriends and confidant. I told her I was having a hard day but didn’t want to cancel our dinner. I needed her energy. At dinner she asked if I was OK. I said, yes. Then almost involuntarily, I said, “actually, no. I’m not OK.” She told me she had been at the breakfast with Gabrielle Bernstein the day before and that I needed to read The Universe Has Your Back. And she also said, “Justine, please give yourself a break.”
How I Became an Overnight Guru
You see, Gabrielle was determined to get to me. In my desperate cry to the Universe, I was relinquishing all control. It was sort of a desperate cry for help. And in that moment, I was able to hear my friend’s words and surrender to them.
You can totally, in an instant or in a weekend, change your life’s purpose. It’s a long, long journey. And I’m nowhere close to having my fears totally under control or able to impart wisdom on other people. But, I’m making a commitment to try to put love first.
What else do I have to lose? An angry psycho bitch who checks her Instagram every five seconds to see what her engagement is, who rages when a brand forgets to add something to a contract, who feels jealous of other bloggers when they get a campaign that she was up for. Believe me, I have been that person. And as Gabby taught me, it is completely natural to be that person. We are conditioned to live in a fear-based perspective. We find comfort in it. It’s normal.
So, I’m not judging myself too much for getting down on myself. But I’m doing something about it. This weekend showed me that taking a break is honourable. It’s honourable because I came back a person who is more willing to create good in the world, for myself and for others. I came back, an overnight guru.
We Need to Talk…
Has anyone else ever experienced the Universe’s call to action? I find these moments to be the most powerful ones in my life, and ones in which I changed my course to find greater success, happiness and self-love. Or maybe you’re already a fan of Gabrielle’s work? I’d love to know your own personal experiences with all this spiritual hippie stuff. Leave me a comment below and let’s chat!
The feature image is me in my happy place, the beach at sunset. This is where I always imagine myself when I meditate :)