Response to The Kit’s “My Big Bang Theory”

H&M “mom” jeans // Ever New tank // Johnston & Murphy slides // Ray-Ban aviators // Vintage clutch from Florence // Hermès Kelly Double Tour bracelet 

I just finished reading (and adorning with Drake and The Danforth stickers) the inaugural issue of The Kit’s Compact magazine – for Millennials, to be sure, or us 80s babies desperately trying to understand them. First thing’s first: FINALLY. Finally, a cheeky magazine that isn’t just a carbon copy of Vogue and finally, one that puts Toronto front and centre. Yes, I’m a narcissistic Torontonian and yes, Toronto is the centre of the universe – it’s just nice that finally, there’s a whole editorial team committed to spreading the word about the #6ix.

In light of my new haircut, however, I’d like to take a few minutes to reply to an article appearing in the issue about bangs and how they suck. Let me start by saying funny-girl Anne T. Donahue snagged my column (if I was ever even up for it) and is basically writing the articles I would be writing in a parallel universe wherein I didn’t have bangs. But I do. And I quite like my bangs and no, I wouldn’t let Guido Palau cut my hair either, Miss Donahue. If you’re going to get bangs, please don’t let it be backstage at fashion week. Schedule an appointment with your stylist and talk about it.

One thing Donahue is absolutely fucking right about (other than her aptitude in colour-matching; I vote chicken-fat yellow for Pantone colour of the year) is the struggle and how real it is when it comes to styling bangs. Yes, bangs are different this season. They are longer, wispy and non-committal. Doesn’t make ’em any less temperamental. And when your stylist calls you up and says: “I’ve got a bone to pick with you. You’re styling your hair all wrong” – you know you’re in big trouble. I’m still learning how to style my shaggy ‘do at home, but I would be lying if I said it didn’t involve my stylist teaching me how to hold a round brush like I was in beauty school rehab. I think I got it. I dunno. I’m about to wash my hair for the first time since that lesson. And with this humidity, it’s anyone’s game.

But just cuz we’ve all had a love-hate relationship with bangs doesn’t mean we need to fear them like over-plucked eyebrows. And true, no one should ever get bangs like the third girl from the left in the Palm Bay commercial (short and blunt) as my boyfriend forewarned. He detested the idea of me getting bangs. In fact, I was supposed to get them in May but it literally took all summer to convince him that they weren’t going to suck. But now? He adores them. (I’m assuming, since he hasn’t dumped me, yet).

The key to getting my man to love my bangs? I dress the part. The outfit must always compliment the bangs. Hence the bellbottoms and 70s muted tones; fringed bags and Parisian vibes. If you’re going to commit to this season’s hair, you best commit to this season’s flares. And that’s my Big Bang Theory.

Justine Iaboni