It came to my attention, as it does every time I’m faced with the challenge of taking photos on the beach wearing next to nothing, a little string digging into my muffin tops, stretch marks exposed, the copious amounts of wine I drink with nowhere to hide but in the delicate little rolls that jiggle down my belly, that posing in a bikini takes a lot of guts (both literally and figuratively). Last time I wrote about wine-induced muffin tops y’all people got angry saying I’m too thin to talk about the jiggles. I don’t think that’s fair. Just because I don’t let myself go, doesn’t mean I can’t let myself go. And certainly doesn’t mean I don’t have insecurities and imperfections. And it doesn’t mean I can’t happily accept them, either.
No no. Why is it always the happy and healthy people that get the most grief from everybody else who never go to the gym and eat donuts every day? Saying we’re too skinny. Saying we’re giving people body issues. Since when did being in shape become such a faux pas?
I’m not religious about my working out – I wish I was – but I try to do yoga every day. Sometimes I do the hard yoga, like sweating until I pass out yoga. And other times I do that pedestrian namaste shit that I can walk out with the same hair that I walked in with. I like the way my body looks when things are toned and tight. Can I change my cankles, hips and torso length? No. But I can certainly buff up my arms and get my tummy tight.
But none of that matters when you’re posing for the camera. All bets are off. It doesn’t matter how in shape you are. The camera spares no one. So, I’ve come up with a few hacks that anyone can use to make posing in a bikini a little less painful and hopefully will keep all the haters quiet when you realize that you don’t just walk in front of the camera, blow a fart, and come out looking like Gigi Hadid.
Hack 1: Buy all your swimwear at least 2 sizes bigger.
Remember those pictures of Nicole Richie in her turquoise bikini at the peak of her anorexia? Well, turns out she was just wearing size XL with an XXXS body. Of course, hers is an extreme case (and I’m so happy she’s recovered from that awful disease) but we can learn something from it when it comes to tricking the camera. Buy a bigger bikini and let it hang like a colostomy bag. Voila, #thinspo.
Hack 2: Glue your elbows to your waist.
Whenever I get in front of the camera I automatically put my forearms up, tuck my elbows into my sides and then just let my hand kind of hang about, gesturing as though I’m about to disagree with someone. This will make you look both thinner and smarter.
Hack 3: The twist.
You want to face opposite directions with your upper and lower halves. For example, if your shoulders are facing East, your hips and legs should be facing West. This will give the illusion that you were once in Cirque du Soleil, and also paper thin.
Hack 4: Hold onto your hat.
If you’re wearing a hat, you must hold it at all times. It’s just something skinny people do because their heads aren’t fat enough for their hats to stay on tight.
Hack 5: Thigh gap cheat.
There are two ways to cheat a thigh gap. The first way is to swap out your legs for two hot dogs. The second way is to stand with your legs at least shoulder-width apart, arch your back and stick your butt out. NB: You must make a duck face when attempting both methods.
Hack 6: Drink beer.
Even though it might add on a few pounds a few days after the shoot, it will cause you to burp out all your fat if you drink it right before you get on camera.
Hack 7: Hungry butt.
I almost died when I first heard about this term. A hungry butt is when your ass is so big that it eats your underwear!!! Either way you can fake it like the Russian tourists on the beaches of Dubai. I legit saw one girl take her bikini bottom, twirl it and then ram it up her ass crack. And poof! Instant Kim K.
Hack 8: Shoot from a high angle.
All jokes aside, this will give you big head little body syndrome. Which, if you weren’t following along, is exactly what you want to achieve.
Hack 9: J Lo.
Learn all the choreography to J Lo’s Waiting for Tonight music video and then perform it from start to finish when you’re in front of the camera. (This is my go-to move).
Hack 10: Communication.
You need to communicate your goals with your photographer, so you’re both on the same page when it comes to achieving the best product. I cannot stress how important communication is. I always always always start all my swimwear shoots with the same four words: “Make me look skinny.” That way if you look fat, you can just blame it on your photographer’s incompetence. Duh.
What are some of your bikini hacks? Leave me a comment or tweet me @justineiaboni!
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