Sunny Side Up

Forever 21 striped bikini top // H&M shorts // Miu Miu sandals // TOMS sunglasses // Taudrey coin necklace 

Ever pick up a magazine and see an article about dressing for your body shape based on what fruit you’re most akin to? With my narrow shoulders, small waistline and Shamu hips, I’m a pear. But to tell you the truth, I don’t really feel like a pear. First of all, I don’t even like fruit, let alone pears. And my thighs are more like rhubarb – so that would mean I’m a pear with two rhubarb stems attached to it and I have yet to see that category in Harper’s Bazaar.

What I really feel like is an egg.

My torso is absolutely negligible. Give gravity a few more years and my tits will be at my bellybutton completing the Humpty Dumpty transformation. While some transition into the opposite sex, I’m transitioning into a nursery rhyme. Can I please have my Vanity Fair cover now?

Here’s the thing that pear shapes usually don’t have: long limbs. People with long limbs can get away with floor length dresses, high-waisted pants, thigh high boots, overalls, horizontal stripes, long coats, long skirts – those all fall under the faux pas list for pears. But salesladies always gasp in utter shock when I waltz out the change room looking like Naomi Campbell in my floor length gown at only 5 ft 4. “It’s because I have long legs and arms,” I say reassuringly with a bitch face from ear to ear.

Since, to every shop owner’s chagrin, I can sometimes get away with things that tall people wear, and yet a tucked in shirt can sometimes still be my arch nemesis (as my boyfriend would say, “um, you’d better untuck that. It’s giving you added width” WHICH at least he’s honest about), I refuse to live life pigeonholed as a pear. A proper body shape index would include those of us who are sunny side up. We’ve got long legs and arms, a wider hip area and no torso. We like long walks on the beach and piña coladas.

If you, too, feel dissatisfied with society’s sweeping fruit-themed body shapes know that you are not alone – there are other eggs out there. And we’re rocking high-waisted denim shorts and bikini tops like no pear ever could.

Yours,

H. Dumpty

Justine Iaboni