There comes a time in every woman’s life when she must choose wisely between wine and muffin tops. Now these aren’t the edible type of muffin tops but the pinchable piece of fat that sits over almost all types of waistbands, even the most forgiving, giving the illusion of a waistline that resembles baked goods. One way to cheat the muffin top (MT) is to go a size up in all your clothes – but that requires money and the will to say goodbye to your skinny jeans. The latter being much more difficult.
Judging by all the superfluous skin out there these days on the streets – the worse offender is the tight, ribbed tank top that fits snuggly over your rolls whilst concealing absolutely nothing. We need to discuss whether it’s OK or not to embrace the MT because there doesn’t seem to be a consensus. Not only can we not decide whether we like this particular part of our bodies, but I for one, can’t even decide whether to undercook or overcook them. In that, do I let me waistband sit above them or below – I can’t seem to grasp which is worse.
They are both, however, not great.
It doesn’t matter how skinny I get, my MT’s are always there even just a little bit so I feel qualified to talk about them. I’ve also noticed that drinking wine and not drinking wine helps to cope with them. According to those belly fat spam emails, not drinking wine actually shrinks the area. According to my own findings, drinking wine shrinks the area, too, in that you’re too drunk to give one fuck, two fuck, red fuck, blue fucks about it.
And if you get really drunk you might be stupid enough to liquify them in a picture like Bey or WeWoreWhat. I love that Danielle is photoshopping less these days, although sometimes her ass-to-thigh ratio even gives Kim a run for her money. Does anyone know the app she’s using cuz god knows I can’t afford Kim’s plastic surgeon!
Jokes aside, I don’t think photoshop is the answer. I don’t think I could live with myself knowing that I actually DO have muffin tops and I’ve lead all of you to believe that I’m just god’s gift to a bikini bottom – I mean, you already have enough reasons to hate me (my intelligence, charm, comedic timing, my luscious cankles). I just drink less wine nowadays (and when I say nowadays I mean 3 weeks leading up to this vacation), which seems to do the trick. I guess depending on the size of your MT’s you’d have to figure out an equation as to how many weeks to go without wine before showing up on the beach, hoping that ancient aliens abduct you right then and there for human prototype of the year. Beam me up, Betty Crocker!
So what say you about muffin tops? Can we embrace them a little or should they remain hidden – or would you give up wine for 10 weeks just to feel a bit more like Candice Swanepoel? Let me know! As Miss Cleo would say, “Call me now!” @justineiaboni on Twitter.