Wow. Bridal?
Yes, bridal. Welcome to Never the Bride. Two years ago I created the Instagram account @neverthebride, a fashion girl’s guide to wedding couture. Besides gorgeous would-be wedding dresses, I’ve developed a non-cupcake-bride sensibility when it comes to tying the knot. So, I’m beginning to write informative and witty articles about what it means to be a fashion bride aka a girl who secretly loves weddings but is way too cool to admit it.
Enjoy xoxoxo
***
So, to shoulder pad or not to shoulder pad? That is the question. As you might know, Bridal Fashion Week just happened last week in New York City. I’m perusing the collections like I would the ready-to-wear and couture shows because that’s my brand of poison slash I am really an Internet troll in Costco pyjamas from the hours of 8am to noon.
This season Jenny Packham did an 80s inspired gown with three-dimensional silver beading on a skin tone lace fabric. The beading is placed in such a way that the shoulders have an added bulk to them, giving off shoulder pad-cum-porcupine vibes. Whatever you want to baptize this look, the resulting silhouette is distinctly retro. I mean the only thing missing to complete this 80s triumvirate would be taffeta. Thankfully, Jenny Packham exercised restraint here.
So what makes a girl want to opt for added shoulder bulk on her big day?
There are a few ostensibly good reasons that come to mind. First, the most obvious, to throw ‘dem bows on the dance floor. But the second and perhaps better reason to shoulder pad on your big day is in the gluten. No matter how many dinner rolls you eat during the reception your supersize shoulders will always off-set the pending food baby neither you nor your husband had anticipated so soon after exchanging vows. Sure, you may start the morning a bit top-heavy, but by the third course you’ll have become the perfect hourglass shape.
And this particular Jenny Packham creation looks more like medieval armour than Sixteen Candles, which will ensure that nobody will try to touch you on your wedding day. And that’s always a bonus when you’re in the receiving end of the receiving line and your second cousin’s husband who you’ve never met decides it was a good idea to show up wearing the latest strain of streptococcus and wants to open-mouth kiss you congratulations. (Actually the strep throat is negligible here). And in any case, he’ll never make it past your right deltoid in this dress.
All things considered, the real question we should be asking is why would you ever NOT wear shoulder pads on your wedding day? I mean you might as well be naked without them. And vulnerable. And susceptible to infectious diseases, and a bad dancer, and a pear-shape. I mean, the list goes on…
I think Jenny Packham is onto something with this dress.
