A weddingless marriage is my latest neologism thanks to everyone and their mother getting engaged over the holidays (I mean that with love). Most people my age (thirty-something, no savings account, a dog and a line of credit) are beginning to look at weddings and marriages as mutually exclusive – and I’m one of them – to our parents’ chagrin. I mean, most of us, unless you’ve got your panties on backwards, already live with our significant other. Why would you blow upwards of one hundred thousand dollars in one night just to wake up beside the same fart face the next morning?
It’s a valid argument. And most of the newly engaged people I’ve chatted with share the same nuptial paradigm. A wedding really is not the smartest use of your hard-earned money (or credit). Not to mention, when a banquet hall, florist, photographer and priest hear the word “wedding” they automatically add another zero to all their fees. It’s true. If I ever decide to take the three dollars I make from my collaborations, after taxes, pet insurance and maxi pads, and set fire to it, aka throw myself a wedding, you best believe I’m going to be booking everyone for a “board meeting” instead and pocket my savings.
But seriously, have you done the math? I called up my dream wedding venue (I like to be informed), which isn’t even a traditional wedding venue, and for 40 people I’m already looking at $30K. And that’s not even including my dress. I mean, even if I had thirty thousand dollars of disposable income to spend, I would much rather put it towards my child’s college fund or re-invest in my business, or put it towards a downpayment on a house, RRSPs, TFSA, a Kelly Bag – I can go on if you’d like.
Point is, I don’t want a wedding. I want a marriage. And that’s what most people who are getting engaged at the ripe age of thirty want (with a few exceptions of mommy-and-daddy-write-the-cheque situations) and even still, if my parents offered I would be like sure, gimme that money and I will take it to get myself out of debt, buy charcuterie every Friday and ride Uber around the city guilt-free, thank you very much. The fuck do I need Palettera invitations for?
Of course there are those of you who will say you can always do a wedding on the cheap. Ha! On the cheap. I’m sorry, have we met before?
All I want is what I already have, legally. I also want to change my name to Mrs. Liang because this Laboni, Lamboni, Jabroni, Jaboni shit is driving me up the wall. (Stay tuned for a collection of all the misspellings of my last name). Life is hard enough to make it work with student loans to pay, the latest iPhone to buy, manicures and mortgages. It seems stupid, almost unthinkable, that a young couple would opt to throw themselves a wedding given the current state of affairs – at the end of the day and as selfish as it sounds, weddings don’t hold the same value for us as they used to.
Sure, it’s nice. It’s romantic. A memory to last the ages especially when you gave the best bomboniere and had an open bar. And I think eventually I would love to throw a little celebration to honour our love and life together, but not now. And I don’t want to wait until I can afford a ring and a wedding to be married. So, I propose (he he) a new breed of conjugal bliss. The weddingless marriage.
Because you can’t count on making it all back in the busta.