As you might have seen on my Instagram, I was in fabulous Las Vegas last week. Randomly, and I mean, randomly, I’ve been going to Vegas ever since I was a little girl, to visit my mom’s aunt and then later, after her aunt passed away, my parents bought her house. We used to vacation there for March break and shit.
K, it’s a long story.
Fortunately, about 15 years ago, the best vocal coach in Las Vegas moved in across the street. Let me be frank. I’ve been involved in music in one way or another my whole life. So, for some of you, my proclamation to start singing again might sound like I got hit on the side of the head with a makeup palette. Well, that never happened, no matter how much histrionic goes into my beauty videos.
You see, my story is complicated. I love to sing. In fact, there is nothing I love more in the world than singing. You know when people say that we all have a purpose? I’ve always known that my life’s purpose is to sing. When I sing, I feel complete in a way that I have never ever felt doing anything else. However, I was emotionally abused by my choir conductor when I was thirteen years old, and I lost my voice (figuratively and literally). I’m not here to point fingers, anyone who was in that choir will know of the abusive methods that were once used to keep the choir running in tip top shape. The fear she instilled in me after many encounters (one of which she forced me to meet her in private so I could show her all the clothing I was planning on bringing on tour with me, and try them on in front of her, so she could make sure that my newfound boobs and ass weren’t highlighted, otherwise I wouldn’t be allowed on tour). My hands are shaking as I write this.
She made me afraid to speak, let alone sing. And she would praise everyone except me. She would yell at me, single me out. Because I was Italian. I wasn’t white enough for her standards. I didn’t go to Havergal. I was not worthy. No matter how much I loved to sing, the fear inside of me slowly began to cripple me. Every time I would go to open my mouth to sing in front on anyone, I would choke. For a few years after the choir, I tried. I took classical voice lessons at the RCM. I even went to audition to be part of the music program at UofT and barely made it out of my audition alive. I couldn’t project. I lost it.
My heart is shaking as I write this.
I began to tell myself a narrative: Even though I know my true purpose is to sing, I must be OK with not ever achieving it in this lifetime. I’m just not ever going to be rid of the fear, so, pick something else.
This is the story I’ve said over and over to myself for the past 15 years.
Well, as you all know, a few months ago, Gabby Bernstein came into my life. As much as I love blogging and taking pictures and working with cool brands, something inside of me was at a breaking point. Everything in life happens for a reason and I am learning that the journey is supposed to be exactly as it is. Anyway, I started Gabby’s miracle plan hoping that I would find some inner peace so I could go on in my current career. So I could be more confident. That’s really all I was hoping to get out of it.
I never even thought about singing.
Well, I finished Gabby’s miracle plan. I forgave everyone in my life, including my choir conductor, and cleared all the fear in my life. And a funny thing happened. When I cleared the fear, the only thing left was my purpose. My purpose is love. The love I have inside of me is inextricably bound to my voice. For me, singing is love. Singing is my purpose because love is my purpose.
So, you see, there isn’t anything in the world that has made more sense than to make music. This is my journey. This is my story. And I hope you all stick around for the ride. Because I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life before. And don’t worry, my blog isn’t going anywhere! I love writing almost as much as I love singing – I am a lyricist. It all goes hand in hand.
I went to Vegas to take a few lessons with my vocal coach, who still lives across the street. It was amazing to reconnect with him. And he’s super excited for me, which means the world. It’s never too late to follow your dreams and I hope I can be an inspiration to all of you to follow your dreams!
Love you all!
Hope you enjoy some more pics from my time in Vegas with my mom!