I was wondering when the right time would come to write this post – lucky for all of you who voted “yes” to my full bum underwear exposé, today is the day. You see, I was doing some laundry this morning like a good little #realbloggerwife and folding my full bum underwear in tight origami squares like any KonMari disciple – who purchased her second book the day it came out – would. That’s when I noticed it: my underwear is ratchet AF. (I promised some of my team members I would swear less and we currently have a swear jar going, and a typo drinking game – you see, it’s fun to work with me).
I mean, I couldn’t even read the label on them when I went to check which model of Victoria’s Secret 3 for $30 they belonged to. I could barely make out the word Hiphugger. And you know what? Victoria’s Secret doesn’t even sell them anymore! I went online right now and somehow since the last time I purchased underwear, they’ve gotten rid of my precious hiphuggers and spawned my favourite type of panty into 20 different categories of which none are a match. Sexy hiphugger, no-show hiphugger, sexy no-show hiphugger, ruffled back hiphugger, sporty hiphugger, baby hiphugger, posh hiphugger, scary hiphugger… you know where I’m going with this.
Moral of the story is, my underwear doesn’t exist anymore and now I’m in crisis mode. The full bum, hiphugger underwear I’ve been clinging to for the past 4 years, is gone. I blame my sister, you know. She’s the one who got me onto these ones anyway. Before that, I bought all my underwear at Calvin Klein and Winners (and sometimes I bought Calvin Klein underwear at Winners). How am I supposed to tell which of these Victoria’s Secret new-new panties is going to look good on me when the fit model is Karlie Kloss?
I don’t even think she’s ever eaten one of her own cookies, that’s what I really think.
You see, I love my full bum hiphugger underwear because they are really forgiving. I mean REALLY forgiving. I have hips and muffin tops, I’m Italian. No matter how thin I am, there’s always a little extra cushioning that all my underwear and bikini bottoms seem to dig into. (I argue it’s because I’m Italian, but I really think it’s because I refuse to give up wine – which, I refuse to do because I am Italian). Anyway, regular people underwear don’t look good on me. Trust, I have a few expensive lace things with those wonderful elastic waistbands and every time I put them on I somehow think it’s gonna be different than the last time. NOPE. Back into the drawer they go.
Don’t even get me started on thongs. I’d rather go commando than floss between the cheeks. I’ve always said thongs are like Birkenstocks. The more you wear them, the less you feel them. And it’s true. I just haven’t worn a thong in years and every time I do it’s like riding a bike, in that, if you haven’t rode a bike in a long time and then you decide to go for a bike ride, your crotch is sore for 3 days afterwards, minimum. Thongs, bikes and Birkenstocks…. oh my!
So, what’s a girl to do? Continue wearing her underwear past its expiration date or venture into the foreign territory of Victoria’s Secret 2016 hiphugger collection? Or do I go towards the luxury brand realm? (But you know I can only buy one pair at a time over there $$$$). I’ll have to wear the same pair two days in a row, turning them inside out to salvage whatever hygienic panache I have left, which is none. I have a running joke with my boyfriend wherein I leave the same pair of purple underwear in different places (sometimes unwittingly) for him to find; like in his yoga towel. You can imagine what happened when he fanned it out over his mat right in the middle of class – Surprise! (And I didn’t even do that one on purpose – thank you, static gods).
Which is also probably why I have no problem writing paragraph after paragraph about my underwear here on my blog, sharing with all of you the do’s and the don’ts of full bum underwear. I mean, I’ve even grown to like my VPL (visible panty lines). I think they are quite sexy. It’s like a stamp that reads: Come at me, bro!
All jokes aside I need to figure out what I’m going to do because as you can see, full bum underwear mean the world to me and my world is falling apart… and so are my underwear!