How to Pose in a Bikini

It came to my attention, as it does every time I’m faced with the challenge of taking photos on the beach wearing next to nothing, a little string digging into my muffin tops, stretch marks exposed, the copious amounts of wine I drink with nowhere to hide but in the delicate little rolls that jiggle down my belly, that posing in a bikini takes a lot of guts (both literally and figuratively). Last time I wrote about wine-induced muffin tops y’all people got angry saying I’m too thin to talk about the jiggles. I don’t think that’s fair. Just because I don’t let myself go, doesn’t mean I can’t let myself go. And certainly doesn’t mean I don’t have insecurities and imperfections. And it doesn’t mean I can’t happily accept them, either.

No no. Why is it always the happy and healthy people that get the most grief from everybody else who never go to the gym and eat donuts every day? Saying we’re too skinny. Saying we’re giving people body issues. Since when did being in shape become such a faux pas?

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I’m not religious about my working out – I wish I was – but I try to do yoga every day. Sometimes I do the hard yoga, like sweating until I pass out yoga. And other times I do that pedestrian namaste shit that I can walk out with the same hair that I walked in with. I like the way my body looks when things are toned and tight. Can I change my cankles, hips and torso length? No. But I can certainly buff up my arms and get my tummy tight.

But none of that matters when you’re posing for the camera. All bets are off. It doesn’t matter how in shape you are. The camera spares no one.  So, I’ve come up with a few hacks that anyone can use to make posing in a bikini a little less painful and hopefully will keep all the haters quiet when you realize that you don’t just walk in front of the camera, blow a fart, and come out looking like Gigi Hadid.

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Hack 1: Buy all your swimwear at least 2 sizes bigger.

Remember those pictures of Nicole Richie in her turquoise bikini at the peak of her anorexia? Well, turns out she was just wearing size XL with an XXXS body. Of course, hers is an extreme case (and I’m so happy she’s recovered from that awful disease) but we can learn something from it when it comes to tricking the camera. Buy a bigger bikini and let it hang like a colostomy bag. Voila, #thinspo.

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Hack 2: Glue your elbows to your waist.

Whenever I get in front of the camera I automatically put my forearms up, tuck my elbows into my sides and then just let my hand kind of hang about, gesturing as though I’m about to disagree with someone. This will make you look both thinner and smarter.

Hack 3: The twist.

You want to face opposite directions with your upper and lower halves. For example, if your shoulders are facing East, your hips and legs should be facing West. This will give the illusion that you were once in Cirque du Soleil, and also paper thin.

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Hack 4: Hold onto your hat.

If you’re wearing a hat, you must hold it at all times. It’s just something skinny people do because their heads aren’t fat enough for their hats to stay on tight.

Hack 5: Thigh gap cheat.

There are two ways to cheat a thigh gap. The first way is to swap out your legs for two hot dogs. The second way is to stand with your legs at least shoulder-width apart, arch your back and stick your butt out. NB: You must make a duck face when attempting both methods.

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Hack 6: Drink beer.

Even though it might add on a few pounds a few days after the shoot, it will cause you to burp out all your fat if you drink it right before you get on camera.

Hack 7: Hungry butt.

I almost died when I first heard about this term. A hungry butt is when your ass is so big that it eats your underwear!!! Either way you can fake it like the Russian tourists on the beaches of Dubai. I legit saw one girl take her bikini bottom, twirl it and then ram it up her ass crack. And poof! Instant Kim K.

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Hack 8: Shoot from a high angle.

All jokes aside, this will give you big head little body syndrome. Which, if you weren’t following along, is exactly what you want to achieve.

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Hack 9: J Lo.

Learn all the choreography to J Lo’s Waiting for Tonight music video and then perform it from start to finish when you’re in front of the camera. (This is my go-to move).

Hack 10: Communication.

You need to communicate your goals with your photographer, so you’re both on the same page when it comes to achieving the best product. I cannot stress how important communication is. I always always always start all my swimwear shoots with the same four words: “Make me look skinny.” That way if you look fat, you can just blame it on your photographer’s incompetence. Duh.

What are some of your bikini hacks? Leave me a comment or tweet me @justineiaboni!

Shop My Look:

Madewell Black Straw Hat // H&M Studio SS16 bikini // Taudrey Autograph Plate necklace // Taudrey Destiny Necklace // Forever 21 crochet coverup // SOAK SS16 sandals // Celine Audrey sunnies // Taudrey Mini Coin Tassel bracelet // Taudrey Autograph cuff //

15 Comments

  1. March 25, 2016 / 1:19 pm

    Turn sideways to the camera and suck in your stomach but not too much that your shoulders ride up – posture is errthang. stick your butt out. Stand on your tippy toes – longer legs, smaller feet, and perks your butt up just right!
    As for the rich Russians – follow suite Alena Shishkova (ig handle: missalena.92) and marry a rapper and you’re pretty much set for skinniness and “beauty”

    • Justine Iaboni
      March 28, 2016 / 5:11 pm

      OMGGGGG I used to follow her until I realized she’s actually a cyborg!!!! How is she real. How did a baby come out of her? These are the real questions that need to be addressed. I wanna know what hack that’s about. POSTURE IS ERRTHANG! Amen. hehehe love your comments! Always make me chuckle :) xoxo J

    • Justine Iaboni
      March 28, 2016 / 5:13 pm

      FUck, I wish I could read Russian.

      • March 28, 2016 / 9:33 pm

        If you ever need Russian translated, you know who to call – we can discuss Sishkova’s impossible lifestyle as well

        Ps. In case you didn’t know, you are literally my fave Toronto blogger

        • Justine Iaboni
          March 31, 2016 / 10:50 am

          Impossible lifestyle – also her baby has blonde eyebrows that freak me out. LOL

          PS. No way! That’s so nice to hear. Hopefully I can keep it that way :)

  2. Rachel
    March 26, 2016 / 2:33 am

    Kinda can’t tell if Hack 9 is for real, but no matter I’m gonna do it anyway! Hilarious and brilliant ?

    • Justine Iaboni
      March 28, 2016 / 5:09 pm

      Um…. have you seen how sexy J-Lo looks in that video with the wind blows in her hair as the clock strikes midnight and she has this look in her eye like she’s just slayed your life? It’s for real. Boy is it ever! lol thanks for reading and commenting!!!! xoxoxoxo J

  3. March 26, 2016 / 12:25 pm

    I’m just tickled by this, because yes, shame on you for looking and feeling great and making other folks look awful. Jeeze Justine. Jk, obviously. Great piece, love the blog!

    • Justine Iaboni
      March 28, 2016 / 5:07 pm

      hehehehehe I know, I’m sorry!!!! It just had to be said. Also, J-Lo choreo never fails. xoxoxo J

  4. March 28, 2016 / 5:08 pm

    OH what a challenging photo title!! I can’t even do a proper selfie let alone bikini photos! You look great and healthy ;)

    • Justine Iaboni
      March 31, 2016 / 10:47 am

      Aw thanks babe! HAHA gotta keep working on it I guess :) Thanks for stopping by and commenting! xoxo J

  5. March 28, 2016 / 5:09 pm

    I will try some of your tipps next summer; I hope they help a bit: I don’t use to like pics of me in a bikini… By the way, your bikini is just amazing! : )
    LaMelenaDeLeón

    • Justine Iaboni
      March 31, 2016 / 10:49 am

      Hey Helena! Thanks so much for your comment. Ugh – who DOES like pics of them in a bikini??? AMEN! The tip of turning opposite directions really works, and the J-Lo choreo. Good luck! xoxoxo J

  6. Tessa
    June 15, 2016 / 10:57 am

    Love the look, especially the fourth pic. The straw hat and the white cover up are such a great contrast together. Personally I love the crochet fabric, you would think its itchy and hot, but it’s actually breathable, and I think looks sexy. I ordered something similar a few days ago from http://u.picoum.com/v9tdj. You rocked this photo shoot!!!!!! xoxox

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