My Amazing Life Advice for Drake on His Birthday

First off, Happy Birthday, Champagne Papi! What a glorious day it is to be alive when Drake’s celebrating his 30th birthday. The good news? I’m only one year older than him. The bad news? I haven’t even accomplished half of what he’s done in his lifetime. Womp womp.

What I can do is give some thirty-something advice to Drake now that he’s entering his third trimester as an adult.

NB: I had originally planned this illustration as a blog post about how to write a love letter. I think giving life advice to Drake is sort of in and of itself, a love letter, indeed. Of the highest power, actually. Read on… 

As I get older, I am definitely wiser (bitchier, as some might say). Actually, yes, I am bitchier. I know what I want and I know how I’m going to get it. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. But with age comes the honing of all your bad habits – and I can definitely attest to that. And no, being a bitch is not classified as a bad habit.

It’s a GREAT habit. I would definitely advise Drake to be more bitchy now that he’s the big 3-0.

Here’s some more advice I’d give to Drake on his birthday, which ranges, in order of raunchiness, from kinda embarrassing to I should quit blogging (and take this show on the road, amiright?). I blame all the 2 Dope Queens podcasts I’ve been jamming to for the level of vulgarity in this post. And just like, the way Drake makes me feel in general.

1. Always wear a bra. Like how I should have done with this outfit I posted on Instagram today. I should have worn a bra – gravity becomes even more of a bitch as the years go by, too.
2. Stop chilling on tall structures. I mean, I might not speak for everyone but the older I get, I feel a stronger sense of my mortality. So, yeah, Aubrey, no more CN Tower stooping for you.
3. Lock down Rihanna. Period.
4. Stop having beef, for dinner. But please continue beefing with Meek Mill. Providing endless entertainment.
5. Lock down Kanye. Can we have a collabo already?
6. You should probably father a child. You know, now that you’re thirty, my your biological clock is ticking.
7. Stop looking so confused when you’re court side at the Raptor’s game like you don’t know the cameras are on you. Own your backseat coaching! You turned the city into a 9 now. Also, can you please explain why every time the Raptor mascot is on the court, you disappear; and vice versa. We need explanations, Drake.
8. You should probably comment on this post like you commented on one of my very first “Whatever Eurotrash” posts. *wink wink* we knew it was you all along.
9. Pick a better month to have a birthday, there’s too much conflict with Halloween. Like, I can’t go as slutty Drake fan every single year, k?
10. Let me sit on your face in your car for five minutes next time I see you in Yorkville. (Note to self: I should delete this point).
11. Always take your own advice.

 Illustration by Karen Koh of www.theillustrienne.com 

Justine Iaboni