Whenever I attempt to purchase new shoes, especially ankle boots, loafers (which I have given up as a food group entirely) and anything with a strap around the ankle or leg, I am on high cankle alert. I may have been born with a killer set of legs – graziamo a Dio – but they definitely came with the highest price tag. Fucking cankles. And boy are they ever brutal.
Basically, my calves and feet are connected by a stump, which, I’ve always been so curious about. How does a cankle form? And secondly, can you get rid of it? I notice that when I go to hot yoga, I start to get more shape in my ankles (probably losing the water weight). Guys, I’ve even Googled ankle liposuction – yes, it exists. And no, I haven’t ruled it out.
Oh and how much I just adore other people’s ankles. Literally DM me a pic of your ankles right now if they have that little indent, pronounced Achilles tendon. My boyfriend has the most gorgeous ankles and I fucking hate him for it. Yes, it has crossed my mind to pull a Gattaca in the middle of the night whereby I saw off his ankles, and attach them to my own legs. Alex, if you’re reading this, it’s too late.
I’m not alone in having cankles. Some of the most famous women (and the most beautiful women) have actually been cursed by the same fibula demons. Miley Cyrus, Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, Cheryl Cole, Kim Kardashian and even Hillary Clinton, all cannot rock an ankle boot without some sort of trepidation. I mean, these are grown ass women who will quite likely go into hysterics if anyone within a 5-metre radius says the name Mary Jane.
I know I do.
So, I’ve come up with a shortlist of reasons to love your cankles. (NB: there was never a long list).
- Where I’m from in Italy, they say that women who have cankles are good in bed.
- You have impeccable balance.
- You’re probably amazing at yoga, ballet, dance and any other sport that requires massive calve strength. (I’m now beginning to see why reason #1 could actually be true…)
- You’ll literally never break your ankle.
- You can get low, on the dance floor, in 7-inch heels without even flinching. (And you can come back up without clawing at the closest bystander)
- You probably have other amazing features to make up for your cankles like great legs, intelligence and fabulous hair.
- Running out of reasons…
- They say that people who have cankles have a higher IQ than the average person
- Making shit up now…
- People who have cankles stick together so don’t make fun of us cuz we travel in packs and we’ll use our strong-ass stumps to drop kick you into next week.
Do you or someone you love have cankles? Leave me a comment below and let’s talk about it.